Matrescence Mama Feature – Traumatic Birth

Deciding to get pregnant during a global pandemic meant choosing nearly a year of feeling very isolated, but oddly enough, it also helped me to fully enjoy this pregnancy. I was so thankful to have a pregnant free of complications and all nice months truly seemed to fly. I knew I would mourn the end of this pregnancy! I was already a mom of an almost 6-year-old as I was preparing for c-section #2 (mama of breech babies), so I knew exactly what to expect. I had been discussing our plan with my anesthesia team for a couple of weeks. My husband and I decided not to find out the sex of the baby, so my number one request for delivery was a clear drape. I didn’t want to miss a thing! I wanted to shout whether the baby was a girl or a boy. I wanted to put the baby on my chest and breastfeed as soon as possible. Beyond that, I didn’t care about much else! On the day of my scheduled c-section…I remember walking to the operating room, elated to meet this baby and find out if I’d been carrying a boy or a girl. I remember getting my spinal. I remember the clear drape getting hung. I remember handing my phone to the CRNA to document as much as she could. I remember my husband joining me in the operating room. The next thing I remember was the raw, intense pain of the scalpel blade cutting me open. I had been cut open in what felt like the most barbaric way. My spinal had failed. I was the 0.1%. My mind was racing in the seconds before I was asleep. How could this be happening to me? Would my husband be able to stay in the operating room? Would the baby be born without mom AND dad? How long will baby and I be separated? Will I wake up?! What if there are complications with myself or baby? I remember tears falling down my cheeks while I held my husbands hand and inhaled anesthetic gas through a mask.