Is He Exclusively Breastfed? How to Make Good Choices in Motherhood
Choices in motherhood don’t have to be black and white. Exclusively breastfed? Great. Exclusively formula fed? Great. Combo? Great.
Choices in motherhood don’t have to be black and white. Let’s talk about why exclusivity in choices and trying to fit a mold set us up for a multitude of problems.
As mothers, we feel pressured to take the direction that society has paved for us when it comes to parenting choices–no shortcuts, new paths, or alternate routes allowed.
If you go off of the “path of perfection” (like exclusively breastfed babies), you’ll find yourself in total disarray and asking yourself: “am I cut out for this role?” “Am I ruining my kids?” “Am I failing as a mama?”
I’ve discovered that there is absolutely not a straight, golden path to follow in motherhood. You’ll come to various twists and turns in the road as you navigate your own path while fighting the inevitable “elements” that make one route really hard for some – mastitis, unsupportive workplaces, reflux, allergies – the list goes on. Just as you may have to take detours on a road trip, you’ll have to turn around and find new ways to travel on your hypothetical mama journey too. You have the power to draw your own map.
Making decisions in motherhood all or nothing, black and white, into a one-size-fits-all box – gives it a tone of exclusivity and rigidity that makes ambivalence plentiful. We lose our shape like an old sweater being pulled in multiple directions because of our intolerance of ambivalence and fear of paving our own path.
The influence of social media and the uptick in mental health disorders is no coincidence. They are snapshots in time that are successfully sabotaging the modern mother. Snapshots like:
Van is celebrating two years exclusively breastfed. You chose formula after multiple bouts of mastitis and an unsupportive workplace.
Henry is four months old and sleeping soundly through the night after following a curated sleep training program. Your 12 month old still wakes throughout the night and you follow your intuition and his cues to guide sleep.
Mia is donned in a white dress and sitting quietly at the table eating her organic, colorful, pinterest-worthy meal made from scratch. Your kids ate waffles for breakfast on the way out the door in their stained hand-me downs for the third time this week.
We have created a culture of unattainable standards in motherhood, slapped a pretty filter on it, and called it the norm. It’s time we get real. It’s time that we have the conversation that forcing yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit isn’t benefiting anyone besides the judges in the stands.
It is time that we give space and allowance for mamas to make decisions that serve them versus serving the perceived expectation of others.
Did you know only 15% of women with postpartum illness seek treatment? With 1 in 7 women experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders that’s a lot of women that need grace and support.
What a beautiful shift it would be for mama’s to be able to unapologetically choose combo or formula feeding to protect her mental health… to rock their toddler in the middle of the night without the weight of shame hovering above the nursery glider… to incorporate nutritious food when possible and convenient options without the pit of guilt in your stomach.
Let’s create a world where mamas can…. (gasp!)
formula feed or combo feed or exclusively breastfeed…
work a corporate job or be a stay-at-home-mom…
rock their two year old to sleep or sleep train…
have an elective hospital cesarean birth or a natural home birth…
take an antidepressant during pregnancy or find alternative ways to treat mental health struggles.
And regardless of these decisions, be perceived as the perfect mama for their baby and supported in these decisions.
Through the same lens, let’s look at maternal mental health and wellness. Mamas, you don’t have to be waving the white flag and admitting total defeat in motherhood to need more support. Through my own experience with postpartum anxiety, I realized how gray this entire topic is and how the stigma of talking about the inevitable hardships we face when going through our Matrescence (process of becoming a mother) somehow hypothetically renders the beauty and joy that is motherhood.
Read that again. Do the hardships of motherhood have to dampen the joy? Do you have to either be on the yacht of perfection or the sinking lifeboat of postpartum depression? No. If the waters feel rough, there are tools to patch holes and reinforce rocky boards. You’re not sinking, mama. With help, you will be well.
Just as the water will be variable and unpredictable, your toolbox will look different as you navigate through this season. You might need medication to lift the floor. And that’s ok (it helped me immensely.) You might need to build your support system and find real human connection and peer support (ahem, The Matrescence). Maybe you need a therapist to be a neutral sounding board and help you pave the path forward.
One of the most powerfully effective tools for me is accountability and moving my body. What benefits would you see if you implemented ten minutes of movement for 30 consecutive days? Would you benefit from addressing your nutrition and gut-health? There is an undeniable connection between your gut health and mood that we are only beginning to discover.
Similarly, support in motherhood is not black and white. Your needs will shift from season to season, as your family grows, and as you continue to evolve as a mother.
For me, postpartum looked different after each pregnancy. After the first, I didn’t struggle with my mental health. Postpartum anxiety took hold when I least expected it and stole a year from me after the birth of my second son. Medication, community, and time allowed me to heal.
I’ve turned my pain into purpose by earning my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner degree and creating The Matrescence. Every piece of support comes from a desire to weed through the overwhelming opinions of today’s digital world paired with a community that serves as a safe space to talk about the hard stuff and to connect with other mamas walking alongside you through various experiences in motherhood.
We hope every mama we touch feels educated, empowered, and encouraged. Together we can shake the stigma that comes with choices in motherhood and embrace every woman’s matrescence.
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Lauren Hays, PMHNP
Lauren was a licensed and trained registered nurse in the NICU and has since made a career shift to focus on mental health. Lauren is now a board certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner, focusing on women’s health and wellness. She is a mom of three precious little men who has turned her pain into passion.
