The Invisible Load of Motherhood: Finding and Giving Support

Lauren Hays

Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, PMHNP

The Invisible Load of Motherhood: Finding and Giving Support

What is the invisible load of motherhood?

The term invisible labor applies to work that is unseen, uncompensated, and undervalued. Mothers tend to do a lot of this. Our societal gender norms have designated moms as “the default parent” and we often take on the mental load of running the household and raising children, for many this is on top of working outside the home. If you’re feeling weighed down, and possibly overstimulated, by the amount of household chores, planning, and emotional support you take on, it’s time to evaluate how much labor you’re really doing.

Try this out:

Think about your typical day and write down everything you do. We mean everything – making lists, doing chores, talking with loved ones, carrying your child, running errands.
Write down how much rest you let yourself have. It doesn’t count if you’re mentally planning your grocery list or listening to a friend vent, we mean actual down time.
Give yourself a mental hug because we’re certain, as we’ve tried this ourselves, that you’re doing the work of multiple people and it’s truly impressive!
You don’t have to do this step, but it can provide valuable perspective: think about the last time some of those daily tasks were recognized or rewarded.

Mama, you’ve got a lot of invisible labor. Let’s do something about it.

Types of Invisible labor of motherhood

Much of the invisible load that you do is lumped into a larger task, such as “go grocery shopping”. This makes it feel and seem like you’re going to the store grabbing things, and paying. However, you’re also:

Thinking about what you already have.
Planning nutritious, balanced meals that you know you’ll have the time and skill to make.
Considering schedules, tastes, allergies, and budget.
Planning when you have time to go to the store.
Thinking about what other errands you can run while you’re out.

You get it, there’s more to going grocery shopping than grocery shopping. That’s just one example, below is a breakdown of the most common types of responsibilities mothers take on.

Physical & Visible Parenting

This is the most seen and recognized type of labor, for obvious reasons. If your partner is home at the time, they might literally see you doing the task. The results can be seen, felt, and consumed. If they are not home, it’s possible that the following are not always recognized or noticed.

Motherhood: pregnancy, giving birth, and being the main source of food for a small human, caring for them when they’re sick

General Child Care: carrying, rocking, feeding, changing diapers, and so on

Running Errands: driving, shopping, carrying in and putting everything away

Cleaning: dishes, laundry, sanitizing, cleaning up clutter

Cooking: prep, cooking, cleaning up afterwards

Your Job: working, commuting, getting ready

Your partner may experience a clean home, happy children, and full belly without realizing the amount of work that goes into consistently delivering it.

Cognitive mental load

This is all the to-do lists and thinking happening behind the scenes of most of the above physical responsibilities. I mean it should really be an olympic sport!

Understanding your child’s needs: general care, possible symptoms, best practices, nutrition, development

Planning: food planning, daily scheduling, events, holidays and gifts, travel

Your family and home: remembering important dates, making and keeping appointments, knowing the last time things were cleaned, ensuring things are stocked, keeping people fed and clothed ( in seasonally appropriate items, I might add!)

Your job: planning commute and timing, deciding how to present yourself, the cognitive load of doing your job

That last one is the only type of cognitive labor that is likely to be recognized. The act of thinking isn’t often thought of as an arduous task, but if your mind is always planning ahead (maybe even while you’re doing physical labor) you’ll get worn out quickly. Even without a traditional job, all that thinking adds up.

Emotional

Emotional labor, or the mental work of managing the emotions of those around you, is typically the least seen, but is the most felt and personally impactful for us.

Your children: staying positive, shielding them from worries, soothing their emotions, breastfeeding or providing other care even when it’s unpleasant or painful, settling disagreements, convincing them to do things

Your spouse: listening to problems, comforting them, suggesting solutions, and generally being supportive

You likely have more people in your network that count on you to support them emotionally, but moms tend to do the bulk of emotional labor in many families. This also involves the pressure to remain positive and encouraging regardless of how you’re feeling at the time.

The First Step to Redistribute Tasks With Your Partner

Reading this, you might be having epiphanies (and lots of head nodding) as well as a growing resentment for the imbalance of labor you and your partner do. However, it’s highly unlikely your partner maliciously planned to put all of the mental and emotional load on you. The entire concept is based on the fact that they aren’t aware of how much you’re doing. But to be fair, consider what items they might be caring the mental load for, traditionally that might be, finances, car servicing, yard work, etc. With that framing, here are some ways to lighten your load as well as some things to remember when you’re feeling overburdened.

Balance your plates

If your partner has room while your plate is full, find some duties to pass to them. This doesn’t have to mean that they suddenly take all of the laundry off your hands. Play to your strengths here, if you know they won’t be great at meal planning, perhaps they can do the physical aspect of grocery shopping while you keep the mental. Maybe they keep a well organized calendar and can include all the family events and deadlines so you don’t have to. You could agree to frozen dinners once a week or do meal prep Sundays together, so the cooking and cleaning is shared. Front loading household tasks saves you throughout the week. These are just some examples of ways to remove the burden of smaller tasks that are unseen to keep everything running smoothly. There are plenty of options, and we know you are clever enough to find what works best for you!

Communicate, early and often

If you’re currently pregnant, then this is the best time to start talking to your partner and making a postpartum plan about how labor will be split between you. A lot of the emotional and mental labor of parenting falls on mothers by default, and starting off more balanced helps couples navigate new parenthood more easily with less conflict. The key here is to give yourselves grace and have this conversation a few weeks or month after birth. You don’t know what you don’t know and you might need to divvy out the responsibilities differently.

Whether you’re pregnant or postpartum, if things already feel unequal then it’s time to ask for help. Without explicitly stating how you feel and what you need to change, your partner cannot know. The goal here is to make the invisible visible. Talk about every aspect of your and your partner’s roles in the family. Don’t forget about the emotional tasks when talking, and be sure to tell them what feels easy for you to do vs what’s more difficult. This can help you choose which things to keep, which to pass to someone else, and which to let go.

Lighten your Load & Learn to Let Go

We know you want to be the best mom – and we know you ARE. However, don’t be afraid to dial back a little. Every dish doesn’t have to be homemade. Your kids can watch a few YouTube videos. Your house doesn’t have to be spotless. You don’t have to fake it ’til you make it every single time. It’s ok to make different choices in motherhood than your sister, mother, or bff. Allow others to help but also embrace the imperfect. We say this a lot, because we believe it, but to be the best mama, you need to focus on your physical, mental, and emotional health. If letting go of some small concern that requires extra labor makes your life easier, then we think it’s a no-brainer! This goes along with our next point as well.

Manage Expectations

When you take those first steps to rebalance, there is likely to be a trial and error period. We advise that you don’t have high expectations right off the bat. Change is hard for most of us, especially when such adjustments cause disruptions in one’s daily routines. A reduction in your labor will hopefully bring some relief and room to breathe. Your partner, on the other hand, will be learning to take on some new roles.

You might have high standards or specific preferences for how some things get done. Such expectations could cause you hesitancy when you see the horror that is your partner’s method for loading the dishwasher or settle a disagreement between siblings. Trust us, we completely understand. But at the end of the day, this isn’t about perfection, it’s about you and your family. It’s hard to be the best mom when you’re overwhelmed, but you can definitely be the best mom who’s dishwasher is sometimes loaded wrong. Also if you are a boy mama, lets teach those boys how to load the dishwasher correctly, your future daughter-in-law will thank you!

Get help and take shortcuts, Mama

The Matrescence® App is here to help you, especially with the mental and emotional aspects of motherhood. Our experts have contributed guides and research, so we can guide you on everything from breastfeeding, to postpartum essentials, to how to make the most out of your alone time. Here you can learn from other moms and find your space to vent without judgement, practice real self-care, and reclaim your happiness in motherhood.