Postpartum

Feeling Disconnected From Your Husband – Navigate Postpartum Connection

Lauren Hays

Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, PMHNP

Feeling Disconnected From Your Husband - Navigate Postpartum Connection

No one warned me I might want to throat-punch my husband at 3 a.m. after the baby came. (Okay, not really—but kinda.) You go into parenthood thinking it’s going to bring you closer, and then suddenly you’re both exhausted, touched out, and silently competing over who’s more tired. Your body doesn’t feel like yours, your nerves are shot, and there’s a tiny human who needs everything from you right now. And somehow, in the middle of it all, your relationship takes a backseat—and you start to wonder when this weird distance between you started growing.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re parenting next to your partner instead of with them, you’re not alone. This post is here to help you understand what’s going on beneath the surface—and give you practical tools to get out of survival mode and find your way back to each other.

Reasons for Feeling Disconnected from Your Husband in the Postpartum Season

If you’re feeling disconnected from your husband after the birth of a new baby, it can feel isolating– but mama, you are not alone! It is important to be open and honest about your mental health and wellbeing as you navigate the various stressors and emotions that might come up. It’s important to note that postpartum depression impacts mental health on both sides of the relationship. Around 10% of new moms and dads experience the condition. The strain of cognitive overload, coupled with shifting roles, can lead to emotional disconnection from your partner.

The postpartum period can be overwhelming. You may feel anxiety or even anger toward your partner. Resentment can grow as you both feel like you’re teetering emotionally due to the new challenges you face.

However, while approximately 20% of relationships experience breakdown within the first year after a baby’s arrival, it’s important to remember that many couples successfully navigate these challenges and you can to. By identifying the root causes of disconnection and seeking appropriate relationship support, partners can rebuild their bond and thrive during this transformative time.

You're Not Alone, But Your Situation Is Unique

You’re not alone in how the transition into parenthood can make you feel and impact your relationship. Many new mamas experience similar challenges. While each situation is unique, our research shows there are three main camps of emotions: Your partner is letting you down or leaving you alone too much. You’re no longer attracted to your partner and their presence upsets you. You each miss one another but you can’t see a way to bridge your emotional disconnect right now. It’s common for these feelings to create a sense of ‘survival mode’ in your relationship, where daily stresses take priority over emotional connection. However, remember that your relationship is built on a foundation of love and commitment, and reconnection is absolutely possible! Here, we explore the three patterns of emotional disconnection and the different approaches that help postpartum parents reconnect.

You Feel Like They're Ignoring You or They Don't Like You Anymore

“It felt like my husband wasn’t there for me anymore,” is a common refrain among postpartum mamas. You may feel the same way. You want to reclaim the connection with your partner but it doesn’t feel like the effort goes both ways. Your partner seems angry with you all the time. Perhaps you haven’t been intimate since your baby came along or date nights now seem to be a thing of the past.

How To Reconnect:

Tell your partner how you feel about the lack of quality time you’re spending together. You’ll often find that your partner believes they’re doing the best thing for you by leaving you alone on purpose. They don’t realize this can make you feel as though they don’t like you anymore or feel that you are a burden. In some cases, your partner might be spending less time with you for reasons outside their control, such as work or family issues. Also, ask yourself if what you’re seeing now is out of character for your partner. If it is, your partner may have issues with their mental well-being they need to address. You’ll learn so much about how the postpartum period affects you both if you just keep the conversation open about how you’re both doing mentally in your new roles.

You Don't Want to Be Around Them

You’re an overstimulated mom and you feel like your partner is just getting in the way. They’re present every time you breastfeed and they’re always trying to initiate physical touch in the little time you have to yourself. It’s too much. You may even feel some postpartum rage toward your partner, combined with sadness and regret over how you’re acting.

How to Reconnect:

It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and ‘touched out’ as a new mother. The constant demands of caring for a newborn can lead to overstimulation, and it’s common to feel like even well-intentioned attempts at support from your partner are adding to the stress. To reconnect, start by confronting your overstimulation. Identify the triggers that leave you feeling overwhelmed and try to avoid them. Take time-outs from your little one to give yourself a few moments to breathe, even if it’s for a few minutes at a time. As you grow more comfortable with your stimulation levels, communicate with your partner so they better understand how you’re feeling. Let them know that you sometimes need a little space but that you still care about them. If physical intimacy feels overwhelming, focus on other ways to show affection, such as writing a kind note or a text, making a pot of coffee, or offering to take on a chore. There’s no perfect formula for this – it’s more about finding intentional ways to show your partner that becoming a parent doesn’t mean you don’t care for them anymore. A fun date night idea can be taking the 5 Love Languages Quiz and discussing your love language. It’s the little things that matter and that will positively impact your relationship long-term.

You Both Want to, But Aren't Able to Get Time Together

Only 38% of married mothers with infants say they’re highly satisfied with their relationship compared to 62% of married women who aren’t mamas. That dissatisfaction is often due to new mamas spending less time with their partners, which only becomes more difficult if another baby arrives later. Regular date nights have disappeared, and you both feel like you don’t ever go anywhere, no matter how much you want to.

How to Reconnect:

It’s important to remember that spending time together isn’t the only love language you can share with your partner. Having a baby might mean you can’t connect as often as you used to. However, there are other things you can do to manage your relationship during the early years of being a mama: Leave notes for one another to show that you still care. Text and call each other for a chat when you can’t be together. Send pictures – especially of you and your baby – to remember the many reasons you became parents. Do little favors for each other, like taking a task off their plate. Give gifts that validate your connection, even if it’s something as simple as a book of dad jokes. These feelings of disconnection are temporary. Your family’s happiness will return. Focus on taking small steps together, and above all else, remember this too shall pass.

Tips for Finding Intimacy for When Parenting a Newborn

Between the constant feedings and attention your baby needs, it’s easy to become disconnected from your partner postpartum. In addition to the advice we’ve shared, here are some actionable tips to reignite intimacy and reconnect as a couple.

Communicate

We know we sound like a broken record here, but communication is a powerful tool for rebuilding a connection with your partner. A quick chat about your reasons for feeling the way you do can make you less anxious. Additionally, communication relieves mental pressure by helping you understand and interpret your partner’s actions.

Keep your chats positive and solution-focused. Research shows that mamas and papas feel happier over the long term when they communicate positively while confronting parenting challenges.

Use Therapy

Counseling allows you to talk to a neutral party about your challenges. A psychotherapist or psychologist can help you (and your partner) understand more about each other and why you feel the way you do. If nothing else, your therapy sessions give you a reason to get dressed, even if they take place over a screen instead of in person.

Learn From Others

The relationships around you can help you improve your own. Talk to the people you love, including friends and family, to learn how they approached the disconnection issue. Anybody with children can identify with how you feel powerless in this situation and can help.

Special mention goes to The Matrescence community – we’re all here to help. Our expert professionals provide plenty of advice and you’ll get to chat with mothers who’ve experienced different relationship challenges.

Prioritize Yourself

This may sound counterintuitive, but a little “me time” goes a long way to fixing disconnection. Enjoy a nice long soak in the bath. Or, take a nap. Half an hour spent combating sleep deprivation can do wonders for your ability to regulate your emotions because sleep helps you understand how you’re feeling. These aspects of self-care go both ways. If your partner wants to spend an hour gaming or relaxing around the house, that’s okay too.

Listen to each other’s reasons for needing a break and work together so you can prioritize yourselves.

Do Tasks Together

Splitting up tasks when you have a newborn seems logical. You can get things done quicker if you break down your to-do list. However, splitting up tasks also means you’re doing them alone – not ideal when you feel disconnected from your partner. Instead, try tackling chores and responsibilities as a team. This shared effort not only lightens the load but also provides valuable opportunities to reconnect and rebuild intimacy.

Give Yourself Some Grace

Pregnancy already sent you on a hormone rollercoaster. The transition into postpartum doesn’t mean your body has stopped changing. Your body physically changed while you carried your child and continues to change once your little one is in the world. As our Postpartum Hormone Timeline illustrates, it can take up to a year for your hormones to stabilize.

Allow yourself the grace and patience you deserve during this period of adjustment. Your body is still going through changes and it’ll take time for you to feel how you once did about your partner.

Find Ways to Balance Your Emotional and Mental Load

Balancing the mental and emotional load of caregiving is challenging, especially when you’re unaware of the invisible load you’re carrying. For instance, making a nutritious meal for your family seems like one task. However, it breaks down into several, including: Planning what you need to buy from the grocery store Finding time to visit the store Shopping while you have an infant in tow Getting back home Settling your little one to create time to cook Cooking Eating Cleaning up afterward Doing it all again the next day Every “individual” task you take on carries this type of invisible load. Those who haven’t experienced motherhood may not fully grasp the extent of this load. It is important to remember that most partners want to help, but may not know how. Look to your partner for support in finding a balance. Maybe they could handle the shopping or the cleaning up so you can focus more on preparing the meal. Together, find a balance that suits both of you, decreasing anxiety and fostering a sense of teamwork.

Your Intimacy Grew Over Time and It Will Take Time to Rebuild It Again

Think of your postpartum relationship as a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to rebuild your connection with your partner because you’re both in different places now than you were before. That’s okay – you’re taking the first steps into an exciting new journey together. Make time for yourselves and each other. Communicate constantly. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help – we all need it sometimes.

Your next step: Check out The Matrescence Navigate Postpartum with Confidence Course. Prepare for the fourth trimester with confidence and rebuild your relationship connection with our help.

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